It has been a week since I have been on. Not the easiest week either.
Yes that day was tough, but it got a lil tougher when the doctor told me it was a tumor. I was hoping on hope that it was a kidney stone. The doctor, a really nice guy, lighthearted , quick, and caring, told me if what he seen was a kidney stone i would of had to of been a super hero to have gotten it in my bladder. Since I know all to well what those feel like, I knew it was not that.
I go for more tests (uhhhg) on Dec 21st. A CT Scan and a biopsy. I am still hoping it is benign. What choose do I have?
Well trying to stay on the positive side lets see what i have accomplished.
1. Have not smoked (much) since I first heard of this.
2. Trying to be a better friend, son, brother, uncle, etc
3. Still work, and hard
4. have found that life is a lot shorter then I ever imagined it could be.
I will go with that, for now.
Thought of making a "Bucket List", but don't want to, as to me that is in a way saying I don't have much time left. If I come back with a clean bill of health, then I may just do that. But for now I will wait.
Thats all for now unless you want to hear about my work week. That in itself could be a whole other blog, lol.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
6 years ago
I was just sitting here looking over the blog, that it seems no one but me reads, which is probably a good thing, lol.
Anyway after reading it all over again, I scrolled up and seen the date.
Wow! 6 years.
It was 6 years ago today I lost my mother and her hard battle to cancer.
I dare not tell my sister I am going today, she will be a wreck. Actually she has been for a week or so now. This like me, is not her favorite day. Lots of memories, not as many good ones as I would like, but they are there as well.
I remeber early on when she first was diagnosed, I though, oh it isn't that bad, ontop of well duh! I remember for years my dad and i saying, think she will be around next Christmas? My mother, as much as I love and miss her, was no saint, nor am I for that fact. She lived her life on her terms as best she could. She drank, she druugged, and yes she smoked.
When I found out, yeah I was not like oh no big deal, but I was not totally surprised. At the same time I thought she would be fine, i mean it was only throat cancer, and that is fairly curable, as curable as cancer gets? It did not fully hit me until one day my mother had asked me to go to the doctors with her, which seemed odd for her. But i figured sure ok. I am fresh out of the Army, and was a medic, let me see whats going on. Like I am that intelligent I am going to figure something out.
So i went. I still remember the Doctors name. Dr. Lawrence. Tall broad shouldered Black guy. Nice, easy smile. and gentle with everything. During the appointment I had asked, with my mother in the room, what are her chances. I mean giving everything she had done, I was not very hopefully, but hey it is curable, they have treatments. I was kind of one both sides of the fence at once, mixed emotions I suppose? He looked at me, then my mother and said 50/50. I am an optimist, not bad odds, but then he looked back at me. Kind of looks that says, yeah I am lying. Well about that time, my mother asked to use the bathroom, and once she is gone, I asked again. He looked at me shook his head then said 20/80 at best. Told me he said 50/50 to keep her spirits up.
Reality suddenly set in hard. Hope what the hell was that?
We left the appointment, left the building and both of us lite our cigarettes. I needed one at that moment. As for my mother, I knew she was never going to quit. but i did hope.
That day started a new day for me. I knew she did not have long, went to a lot of appointments, helped her when ever I could. Went to alot of appointments spoke to my sisters often about what was going on. And there was a few tough times before she finally pasted on. After many trips to and from hospitals, nursing homes, doctors, etc she beat it. That time. about a year or so after she was cancer free, she told me of some feminine issue she was having, to which I promptly told he to talk to my sister about. That is one area of the medical field I avoided, sort of like one avoids the plague, at all costs. My sister told her what she thought it was then calls me back and says, have her make an appointment because of what she has been through. Ok good makes sense. She made the appointment, and said they ran some tests and wanted me to see them, as she was not sure what it said. OK fair enough.
I mean from talking to my sister seemed like a routine thing. What she forgot to tell me was they did a biopsy. My mother could be very vague at times. I read it, patient prepped...incision...reading...carcinoma. I sat there looked at her, teary eyed. she knew, and so didn't I. I am sure the doctor told her, weather she chose to listen is another thing. She had one hell of a stubborn streak in her. I mean she technically wasn't supposed to beat it the first time, but could she pull it off twice. All this and so much more went through my mind.
She was not Adam Vinatieri, kicking Superbowl winning field goals.
I told my sister. She, like I figured, took it hard. I was gentle, blunt, and honest. Told her what to expect, along with my mothers Husband, whom I did forget to mention early. Sorry if you every read this Wally. There was a comical relationship. I will talk about them more later. The three of us were in constant contact. My phone calls as my sister was not living in the city, so my mother as she had been, left everything up to me, not that I minded.
This time there was a surgery were the doctor, whom I do not recall his name, said it could be removed and she should be ok. Sadly that was not the case. I figure her body was tired. I mean for her to beat cancer once was a huge deal. But twice. Her body was to too tired. I will go into further detail some other time what this ordeal was like. Hell on earth with some laughs, closure, and a lot of tears.
Thanks Mom. I love you.
Anyway after reading it all over again, I scrolled up and seen the date.
Wow! 6 years.
It was 6 years ago today I lost my mother and her hard battle to cancer.
I dare not tell my sister I am going today, she will be a wreck. Actually she has been for a week or so now. This like me, is not her favorite day. Lots of memories, not as many good ones as I would like, but they are there as well.
I remeber early on when she first was diagnosed, I though, oh it isn't that bad, ontop of well duh! I remember for years my dad and i saying, think she will be around next Christmas? My mother, as much as I love and miss her, was no saint, nor am I for that fact. She lived her life on her terms as best she could. She drank, she druugged, and yes she smoked.
When I found out, yeah I was not like oh no big deal, but I was not totally surprised. At the same time I thought she would be fine, i mean it was only throat cancer, and that is fairly curable, as curable as cancer gets? It did not fully hit me until one day my mother had asked me to go to the doctors with her, which seemed odd for her. But i figured sure ok. I am fresh out of the Army, and was a medic, let me see whats going on. Like I am that intelligent I am going to figure something out.
So i went. I still remember the Doctors name. Dr. Lawrence. Tall broad shouldered Black guy. Nice, easy smile. and gentle with everything. During the appointment I had asked, with my mother in the room, what are her chances. I mean giving everything she had done, I was not very hopefully, but hey it is curable, they have treatments. I was kind of one both sides of the fence at once, mixed emotions I suppose? He looked at me, then my mother and said 50/50. I am an optimist, not bad odds, but then he looked back at me. Kind of looks that says, yeah I am lying. Well about that time, my mother asked to use the bathroom, and once she is gone, I asked again. He looked at me shook his head then said 20/80 at best. Told me he said 50/50 to keep her spirits up.
Reality suddenly set in hard. Hope what the hell was that?
We left the appointment, left the building and both of us lite our cigarettes. I needed one at that moment. As for my mother, I knew she was never going to quit. but i did hope.
That day started a new day for me. I knew she did not have long, went to a lot of appointments, helped her when ever I could. Went to alot of appointments spoke to my sisters often about what was going on. And there was a few tough times before she finally pasted on. After many trips to and from hospitals, nursing homes, doctors, etc she beat it. That time. about a year or so after she was cancer free, she told me of some feminine issue she was having, to which I promptly told he to talk to my sister about. That is one area of the medical field I avoided, sort of like one avoids the plague, at all costs. My sister told her what she thought it was then calls me back and says, have her make an appointment because of what she has been through. Ok good makes sense. She made the appointment, and said they ran some tests and wanted me to see them, as she was not sure what it said. OK fair enough.
I mean from talking to my sister seemed like a routine thing. What she forgot to tell me was they did a biopsy. My mother could be very vague at times. I read it, patient prepped...incision...reading...carcinoma. I sat there looked at her, teary eyed. she knew, and so didn't I. I am sure the doctor told her, weather she chose to listen is another thing. She had one hell of a stubborn streak in her. I mean she technically wasn't supposed to beat it the first time, but could she pull it off twice. All this and so much more went through my mind.
She was not Adam Vinatieri, kicking Superbowl winning field goals.
I told my sister. She, like I figured, took it hard. I was gentle, blunt, and honest. Told her what to expect, along with my mothers Husband, whom I did forget to mention early. Sorry if you every read this Wally. There was a comical relationship. I will talk about them more later. The three of us were in constant contact. My phone calls as my sister was not living in the city, so my mother as she had been, left everything up to me, not that I minded.
This time there was a surgery were the doctor, whom I do not recall his name, said it could be removed and she should be ok. Sadly that was not the case. I figure her body was tired. I mean for her to beat cancer once was a huge deal. But twice. Her body was to too tired. I will go into further detail some other time what this ordeal was like. Hell on earth with some laughs, closure, and a lot of tears.
Thanks Mom. I love you.
The appointment...
Today i go to have a fairly tough procedure done. Not going to be fun at all, but they need to look. I understand, but even the doc that sent me said it was going to be very uncomfortable. Him saying that was not very comforting, lol.
As I still do not know i am still waiting, for a few weeks now. What have i changed?
Quit Smoking
Almost quit my job (No smokes makes me cranky...)
Have been on the patch for going on two weeks now.
Looking at life slightly.. differently now?
Trying to be the person I have always wanted to be, but never really was
I am sure the list will get longer, but for now that is it.
As I still do not know i am still waiting, for a few weeks now. What have i changed?
Quit Smoking
Almost quit my job (No smokes makes me cranky...)
Have been on the patch for going on two weeks now.
Looking at life slightly.. differently now?
Trying to be the person I have always wanted to be, but never really was
I am sure the list will get longer, but for now that is it.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Good morning
I woke up a bit ago, having a nice cup of coffee. Can not find my Nicotine patches though. Not good. Hope I make it through the day. Seeing that I have 12 hours of work ahead of me, it will be trying to say the least.
Last night I read the 5th in a series of 21 books by Patrick O'Brian, and started number 6 right away. I always have liked to read as it takes me away from whats going on in a more positive way then others have tried to escape. It is a good series and I do expect if i can not sleep well, I will just read.
Heard from the Doc, so far so good. Makes me feel a lot better but I will not know for certain until next month, unless I get a sooner appointment, which, yeah would be nice.
As you might be able to tell I am not freaking out as much. Trying to just wait to see what happens, then deal with it from there.
Here is hoping...
Last night I read the 5th in a series of 21 books by Patrick O'Brian, and started number 6 right away. I always have liked to read as it takes me away from whats going on in a more positive way then others have tried to escape. It is a good series and I do expect if i can not sleep well, I will just read.
Heard from the Doc, so far so good. Makes me feel a lot better but I will not know for certain until next month, unless I get a sooner appointment, which, yeah would be nice.
As you might be able to tell I am not freaking out as much. Trying to just wait to see what happens, then deal with it from there.
Here is hoping...
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving 11/24/11
Kind of weird saying happy Thanksgiving when all I want to do is go back to bed. But I know that is not an option. I am going to my dad's house, and I know I will have a good day. Wish my sister was able to join us, would of made it more special. But she is coming down for Christmas so I will see her then.
I got the new appointment to see the specialist yesterday, less then a month away, and I was told I am on a waiting list for a sooner appointment. These are all good things, but it makes me nervous too. Why the rush. I mean i am glad for the urgency, but it just makes me think more that there is no doubt. I know that is not totally true, but it is what keeps going through my mind.
I put the patch back on today, still not smoking which is good. Last night I had a fit! Just moods from no smokes, and the fact that I had not worn the patch in two days. Dumb move on my part I know.
Well time for me to go to my dads house. I hope who ever reads this has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
I got the new appointment to see the specialist yesterday, less then a month away, and I was told I am on a waiting list for a sooner appointment. These are all good things, but it makes me nervous too. Why the rush. I mean i am glad for the urgency, but it just makes me think more that there is no doubt. I know that is not totally true, but it is what keeps going through my mind.
I put the patch back on today, still not smoking which is good. Last night I had a fit! Just moods from no smokes, and the fact that I had not worn the patch in two days. Dumb move on my part I know.
Well time for me to go to my dads house. I hope who ever reads this has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Today was a rough day. Pissed blood again. I am scared. Got to see the same doc that cleaned my ear, and was the resident when I seen the intern. She is really nice, and has a wonderful sense of humor as when she walked in she said...I thought you didn't go to the doctors much. I laughed. Right now laughing helps, a lot. I had to go back as I pissed blood again. Did another urine tests and got an x-ray. Additionally there was pain in my kidneys, the reason for the x-ray, she wants to guarantee this its not a kidney stone. She asked me if I had heard about my appointment with the specialist, which I had just earlier today. they gave me an appointment for 2 months from now. And I explained that I had asked for a sooner appointment but was told they would send me a letter and I could call if that was not good enough. YEAH. Thanks! She told me oh I will have that taken care of right away. Additionally she said she wanted to look for caner, not just rule it our as she said the first time. I told her I had quit smoking, and that if it wasn't cancer something good would come of all this regardless. She agreed with was happy to hear that. Additionally she said I would be getting a call with in 24 to 48 hr with the test results from the x-ray and urine tests. She made me nervous as she is very upfront, which is good. But part of me just wants to run from it. Not know, and act like I do not care. But I know that is not fair to those who care about me.
Now I am sitting in my kitchen, two days before thanksgiving, typing this. I do not know why, but it does help.
Now I am going to update a game, and then go climb into bed, read a book I have been working on, POB #6, and try to get some sleep. I just want this nightmare to be over with. I do not know yet but I am scared, terrified to find out, and at the same time I want to know, want to so badly hear, nope your fine, here take this pill for a few weeks and your going to be fine. That is my dream, but I am so scared that is not the case. I am trying to be positive, so if it is cancer, that positive attitude will help. However for now, I am just waiting, waiting to find out if it is or is not.
Making those tough calls
After I leave I am thinking, who to call, should I call, should I say anything at all. I do not want to worry anyone, but they also have a right to know. Conflicted I call the family Hypochondriac first, my sister. She just knows, not sure how but she does, when something is wrong. I called and asked what she was doing, think she was at home, or maybe she wasn't and called me back shortly afterward. I had planned the call in my head, she was going to freak on me. I planned it wrong. She allowed me to freak. Thanks sis! I told he I had gone to the doc, sure she knew why. We don't have secrets and she asked what they said. I paused. Then told her there was going to be further tests. She asked what tests, apprehensively as she could tell, I am sure, that I was being evasive . I told her they were looking for some stuff. I couldn't say it, wanted to but was afraid, she freak I would cry and it would all be for nothing, and months later she would have one hell of a story to tell everyone and laugh her ass off. Yeah trust me she loves me a lot. So I told her. They wanted to rule something out. Yeah Big pause. Tears on my part, scared just wanting reassurance. She stayed calm. Not her at all. She freaks over someone getting a splinter, I might have cancer, she is calm. What is that about.
I think part of me expected her to freak but I am so glad she let me freak this time, not something I do on a daily basis, tell someone I am scared, terrified. I mean we had just lost our mother less then 6 years ago to cancer.
We talked about all the details, and she got a kick out of the fact of where the scope was going. Can not say I will ever get a kick out of that, and I have not had it yet. She offered to be there the day of the test. I told her I would be fine, even though I was freaking out. This is how awesome she can be. My sister has little money for anything other then food and rent and to buy her son a few things for school. However she would of went without something to make me feel better and came to Boston to make sure I was ok. I love you too sis.
Well as the night goes on I spoke with my best friend, and my dad, bought were the most positive of anyone I spoke with. Could be nothing, try not to worry, etc.
All and all that night I needed both the horrors and the do not worries. Because that is exactly what was going on in my head.
Well after the first night ended I had a few more people spoke to privately just in case it was that, and there my friends and I figured I am going to need the support and did not wan t to shock them with it out of the blue.
Hey pats had a great game huh yeah, nice throw by Brady. No kidding. Oh by the way I have cancer. Diod wleker get the second or third touch down. Kind of not fair. So I spoke with some close friends. On being a motherly type, Mary. She told me to quite smoking right away, which I have already planned. That morning I had one cigerette left smoked it and since, which was 4 days ago have one had 3 puffs of a cigarette, from a pack a day, which 10 years ago was probably 2 packs a day.
The intern I had scene during the initial visit had mentioned like I had said quiting smoking. I called him that night and asked for something to help me,. I got it on the 3rd day. It was the patch which I have no faith in, but to be honest I was praying it worked, and still am, as I in in the first week, so far, not to bad I do not think.
All in all the first few days where ok, a bit jittery, friends knew I was trying to quite and why. Some gave gum, advice, and lots of good lucks. I need it all. On the 5th and 6th day I had not put the patch on, do not know why, forgot, I suppose, because I do not want to smoke, seriously I don't. However on those two days I did have a puff or two, because I knew it would not make me sick. However tomorrow I am putting that damn thing back on.
A few days later she the intern called to say the urine tests came back, showed blood which they expected but nothing else not infections or white cells. OK cool, but they still wanted to get the scope done regardless. Prt of me had already accepted this but part of me was like why bother, but I did not state this. I do not like going to the doctors often.
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