6 years ago

I was just sitting here looking over the blog, that it seems no one but me reads, which is probably a good thing, lol.

Anyway after reading it all over again, I scrolled up and seen the date.

Wow! 6 years.

It was 6 years ago today I lost my mother and her hard battle to cancer.

I dare not tell my sister I am going today, she will be a wreck. Actually she has been for a week or so now. This like me, is not her favorite day. Lots of memories, not as many good ones as I would like, but they are there as well.

I remeber early on when she first was diagnosed, I though, oh it isn't that bad, ontop of well duh! I remember for years my dad and i saying, think she will be around next Christmas? My mother, as much as I love and miss her, was no saint, nor am I for that fact. She lived her life on her terms as best she could. She drank, she druugged, and yes she smoked.

When I found out, yeah I was not like oh no big deal, but I was not totally surprised. At the same time I thought she would be fine, i mean it was only throat cancer, and that is fairly curable, as curable as cancer gets? It did not fully hit me until one day my mother had asked me to go to the doctors with her, which seemed odd for her. But i figured sure ok. I am fresh out of the Army, and was a medic, let me see whats going on. Like I am that intelligent I am going to figure something out.

So i went. I still remember the Doctors name. Dr. Lawrence. Tall broad shouldered Black guy. Nice, easy smile. and gentle with everything. During the appointment I had asked, with my mother in the room, what are her chances. I mean giving everything she had done, I was not very hopefully, but hey it is curable, they have treatments. I was kind of one both sides of the fence at once, mixed emotions I suppose? He looked at me, then my mother and said 50/50. I am an optimist, not bad odds, but then he looked back at me. Kind of looks that says, yeah I am lying. Well about that time, my mother asked to use the bathroom, and once she is gone, I asked again. He looked at me shook his head then said 20/80 at best. Told me he said 50/50 to keep her spirits up.

Reality suddenly set in hard. Hope what the hell was that?

We left the appointment, left the building and both of us lite our cigarettes. I needed one at that moment. As for my mother, I knew she was never going to quit. but i did hope.

That day started a new day for me. I knew she did not have long, went to a lot of appointments, helped her when ever I could. Went to alot of appointments spoke to my sisters often about what was going on. And there was a few tough times before she finally pasted on. After many trips to and from hospitals, nursing homes, doctors, etc she beat it. That time. about a year or so after she was cancer free, she told me of some feminine issue she was having, to which I promptly told he to talk to my sister about. That is one area of the medical field I avoided, sort of like one avoids the plague, at all costs. My sister told her what she thought it was then calls me back and says, have her make an appointment because of what she has been through. Ok good makes sense. She made the appointment, and said they ran some tests and wanted me to see them, as she was not sure what it said. OK fair enough.

I mean from talking to my sister seemed like a routine thing. What she forgot to tell me was they did a biopsy. My mother could be very vague at times. I read it, patient prepped...incision...reading...carcinoma. I sat there looked at her, teary eyed. she knew, and so didn't I. I am sure the doctor told her, weather she chose to listen is another thing. She had one hell of a stubborn streak in her. I mean she technically wasn't supposed to beat it the first time, but could she pull it off twice. All this and so much more went through my mind.

She was not Adam Vinatieri, kicking Superbowl winning field goals.

I told my sister. She, like I figured, took it hard. I was gentle, blunt, and honest. Told her what to expect, along with my mothers Husband, whom I did forget to mention early. Sorry if you every read this Wally. There was a comical relationship. I will talk about them more later. The three of us were in constant contact. My phone calls as my sister was not living in the city, so my mother as she had been, left everything up to me, not that I minded.

This time there was a surgery were the doctor, whom I do not recall his name, said it could be removed and she should be ok. Sadly that was not the case. I figure her body was tired. I mean for her to beat cancer once was a huge deal. But twice. Her body was to too tired. I will go into further detail some other time what this ordeal was like. Hell on earth with some laughs, closure, and a lot of tears.

Thanks Mom. I love you.