Today was a rough day. Pissed blood again. I am scared. Got to see the same doc that cleaned my ear, and was the resident when I seen the intern. She is really nice, and has a wonderful sense of humor as when she walked in she said...I thought you didn't go to the doctors much. I laughed. Right now laughing helps, a lot. I had to go back as I pissed blood again. Did another urine tests and got an x-ray. Additionally there was pain in my kidneys, the reason for the x-ray, she wants to guarantee this its not a kidney stone. She asked me if I had heard about my appointment with the specialist, which I had just earlier today. they gave me an appointment for 2 months from now. And I explained that I had asked for a sooner appointment but was told they would send me a letter and I could call if that was not good enough. YEAH. Thanks! She told me oh I will have that taken care of right away. Additionally she said she wanted to look for caner, not just rule it our as she said the first time. I told her I had quit smoking, and that if it wasn't cancer something good would come of all this regardless. She agreed with was happy to hear that. Additionally she said I would be getting a call with in 24 to 48 hr with the test results from the x-ray and urine tests. She made me nervous as she is very upfront, which is good. But part of me just wants to run from it. Not know, and act like I do not care. But I know that is not fair to those who care about me.

Now I am sitting in my kitchen, two days before thanksgiving, typing this. I do not know why, but it does help.

Now I am going to update a game, and then go climb into bed, read a book I have been working on, POB #6, and try to get some sleep. I just want this nightmare to be over with. I do not know yet but I am scared, terrified to find out, and at the same time I want to know, want to so badly hear, nope your fine, here take this pill for a few weeks and your going to be fine. That is my dream, but I am so scared that is not the case. I am trying to be positive, so if it is cancer, that positive attitude will help. However for now, I am just waiting, waiting to find out if it is or is not.